1. Everyday, your first “good morning” and your last “good night” are in work emails.
2. And your smartphone is your plus one to every party you ever attend.
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3. Which, obviously, isn’t very many parties at all, since you’re so busy… Working.
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4. But if you actually ever go a whole day without doing any work, you actually miss it uncontrollably.
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5. Your job has bought you dinner more times than any human significant other ever will.
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6. And your idea of a wild night out is you at your desk… But with a beer.
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7. You and your job go on intimate trips to exotic places all the time.
8. But you’re so in-love that you spend the entire time holed up together in your hotel room.
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9. You’re so devoted to work, you even spend the holidays together.
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10. You’re a delivery veteran and valued customer at every restaurant within five blocks of your office.
11. You know that gifts and presents are the way to show you care, so you buy presents for your cubicle all the time.
12. Your laptop is your little spoon night after night, warm and glowing from within.
13. Being completely alone in your office (because you’re there super early, or super late) used to spook you.
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15. You frequently have conversations, out loud, with your computer.
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16. The occasional post-work Happy Hour and office parties are the extent of your social life.
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17. You go on lunch dates all the time! With your dual-monitor set-up and Microsoft Office.
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18. So all your friends have slowly been replaced by work friends.
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19. You grapple with weird, misplaced fatherly and motherly feelings towards your work superiors.
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20. Leaving work emails or IMs unanswered for longer than a few minutes consumes you with guilt and anxiety.
21. Your desk is fully equipped for you to stay there indefinitely. Snacks, lotion, extra jacket, phone charger.
22. You have many mantras that get you through rough days. Pay your dues. What goes around comes around.
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23. You and your job have cute songs for each other. Like “What Doesn’t Kill You Make You Stronger.”
24. And, as with any happy relationship, you can see yourselves growing old together… Kinda.