Go to the friend store and pick up these guys.
We rarely take time to appreciate our frenemies. Backhanded compliments and a tense atmosphere of competition seem like bad things to have in a friendship, but think about it. When your nice friends make you feel loved and supported, you get soft. You let your guard down, leaving yourself unprepared to take on the obstacles of life. A good friend watches your back. A great friend stabs you in the back, teaching you an important lesson about watching your own back and trusting no one.
Take this one important piece of life advice: Never pass up the opportunity to have a rich friend. It’s seriously a no brainer. Assuming they don’t mind hanging out with a Poor, a rich friend can hook you up with lots of sweet rich people perks. Don’t worry if their personality isn’t the greatest, they can make up for it by making it rain. Reagan called this “trickle down friendship.”
The Doormat is the perfect friend. Whenever you need a favor or 12, The Doormat is there to reluctantly do anything you ask. Are you moving? Doormat doesn’t want to help, but will! It’s kind of like having your own personal assistant that you don’t even have to pay. Who wouldn’t love that? Thanks, Doormat.
The Fake makes friendship easy. You never have to worry about whether or not they mean what they say. You already know they don’t. No more guessing games. And if your Fake is of the “Yes-Man” variety, you’ll never have to evaluate any of your personal decisions ever again. You’ll automatically get the approval of your super fake friend no matter what you do. It’s all the fun of having a friend without the emotional exhaustion of caring about someone.
The Flake is here to make your life easier. Every time you have plans with them, they will do their trademarked flaking and instantly free up time in your busy schedule. You will never actually have to spend any time with this person. It’s one of the most low maintenance friendships available with the added luxury of free time you didn’t even realize you had.
The Cactus is pretty much the best companion anyone could ever ask for. You don’t have to talk to it. It won’t tell you really boring stories or leave weird comments on your Instagram. It well never suggest a dumb thing to watch on Netflix. One caveat: Unlike other friends, you will have to water it sometimes, but very rarely, so it’s not too bad.